“Last Week I Couldn’t Even Spell Starship Commander…Now I Are One”

(a.k.a. “The ‘Descent’ of ‘Thine Own Self’ into ‘Disaster’”)

Ever seen any of those episodes where Troi or Crusher is left in charge of the Enterprise? Did you cringe (like I did) at the sight?

Well, you should have. Neither woman is qualified, whether or not canon says they are. This is one of those areas in which ignorance ran rampant on The Next Generation: Obviously there were no military advisors on the set.

It shows.

In the first instance, “Disaster,” Troi happens to be on the bridge when our beloved E-D is struck by a “quantum filament”—whatever that is. The watch officer is killed, and, cut off from the rest of the ship, Deanna is forced to assume command as the senior officer on deck. She muddles through with the help of Chief O’Brien and Ro Laren, managing to save the situation by reliance on a combination of instincts and proper procedure. This was a strong episode, because it showed Troi entirely out of her element, demonstrating uncertainty and ignorance appropriately during the course of the crisis.

This, unfortunately, is the high point of what I’ll dub the Fredo Corleone ("I can handle things! I'm smart... and I want respect!”) Trilogy. After this, it gets worse—a lot worse.

Next, we’re treated to “Thine Own Self,” which opens with Crusher primly sitting in Picard’s chair when Deanna returns from a class reunion. The doctor explains that she likes to command a starship, “even if it is only the night shift.” Deanna looks thoughtful and even a bit disturbed, perhaps recalling her ineptitude during “Disaster”… and the stage is set for a B-plot travesty. She goes to Riker and informs him that she wishes to take the “Bridge Officer’s Test.” After a series of drills, exams, and other evaluations of competency over a matter of weeks (or perhaps only days), Troi is eventually successful… and is immediately promoted to full commander. Everyone’s happy—except, that is, anyone with a modicum of common sense or military experience.

Um… no.

The entire concept of the "Bridge Officer's Exam/Commander’s Test" is moronic—a feeble attempt by the writers to create a device justifying additional Crusher and Troi dramatic moments in the center seat. Unfortunately, the idea is so implausible as to be offensive—an insult to naval commanders everywhere… unless, of course, they’re also implying that a few crash courses enable Picard or Riker, in return, to psychoanalyze and/or perform surgery.

Today’s military doctors and psychiatrists do not augment their education with significant numbers of such classes. Are we to seriously believe that in the "happy happy joy joy" 24th century, Crusher and Troi were at Starfleet Academy matching wits with future starship captains and coming off well while so doing? Just doesn't ring true, does it? It seems far more likely that, just like medical personnel and clergymen do today, the non-line officers of that period would likely receive some sort of extremely abbreviated coursework that augments their primary educations. The idea that Crusher and Troi received the same degree of grounding in technical and leadership procedures as the command and operations personnel did is preposterous. I'd like to think, instead, they were busy becoming doctor and psychologist, respectively—both of which are demanding fields allowing little time for secondary pursuits. [I am, here, assuming that Troi possesses a PhD in psychology—which, considering her yammering psychobabble, I’m sure you’ll agree is a generous assumption.] In addition, these two not only had to spend years mastering their own disciplines, they no doubt must keep up with continuing education. Picard and Riker, et al., are groomed for command, and perform the functions constantly. They are eminently more qualified.

The last episode in which something like this occurs is the most laughable of all.

In "Descent," Picard leaves Crusher in charge of the Enterprise-D with a Borg ship in the area, while both he and Riker look for the missing Data on a planetary surface. It qualifies as one of the stupidest pieces of writing and lowest moments in franchise history. This was not a situation in which Bev took over and held her own after the bridge was shot out from under them. I’d have been the first person yelling, “Take ‘em to school, Doc!” had that been the case. Instead, Picard himself, a man who exudes competency in other episodes, leaves a questionably qualified individual in command while both he and his X-O leave the ship in a critical tactical situation. It never should have happened—not when there were many others better qualified than Beverly Crusher could ever dream of being. Even if she’d gone through the "Commander's Test" Troi did, you'll pardon me for being as impressed with her preparedness as I am Troi’s—that is to say, not at all. To be honest, if Starfleet had relieved Picard for gross incompetence after a review of his decisions during “Descent,” it would not have been unreasonable.

Lest someone get the wrong impression, though, allow me to clarify: I have no problem with female officers (anyone who reads Liberty knows this); I do have a problem with either of those unqualified women in the center seat when other arrangements may be made. This does not mean that Troi and Crusher are incompetent, or that they could not perform command functions in an emergency. But to turn and say, “OK, Bev, the Borg are out there; take care of my ship” races beyond the territory of ridiculous into that of sublimely absurd. These two would never be any prudent commander's first (or even tenth) option, though, if there were time to plan.

Troi's command in "Disaster" at least made a modicum of sense. There, options were nonexistent.

The “kewl” factor of seeing Crusher giving orders is not sufficient to salve the damage done: We've been told for years on Trek that starship captains (and those aspiring to the position) are a special breed. If Troi and Crusher are able to suddenly handle the job with relative ease…?

I think you see my point.

Do I think it impossible that Crusher or Troi might sit the center seat eventually? No. If Deanna had gone to Riker and said, "I want to qualify/crosstrain as a line officer," that would have been another matter entirely. It would have been acceptable to see her struggle and finally accomplish this over a season or two, rather than putting on the commander's rank as a result of a few weeks' training.

Insofar as the method we saw is concerned, however… bullshit.

Kirk… Picard… Sisko… even Janeway and Archer… their accomplishment, their uniqueness is trivialized here… and that’s why I can’t accept it.