CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

“The more I know,

the less I understand...

all the things I'd thought

I'd figured out,

I have to learn again.

“I've been tryin’ to get down

to the heart of the matter...

“…but my will gets weak,

and my thoughts seem to scatter.

“…but I think it's about

forgiveness... forgiveness…

“Even if… even if…

you don't love me anymore.”

- Don Henley

Luciano Mantovanni’s thoughts continued to wander… but they invariably returned to dwell on the same topic.

Parihn said she wanted to see Vulcan… but we both knew that was simply an excuse—even if it was clearly, in hindsight, only to talk, to understand what had happened between us that night a few months ago. I've owed her an explanation of why I betrayed her trust… our friendship… since then, and she's been incredibly patient… even continued to visit me in the way we've always done.

Thank God I've been able to keep my hands off her since then.

It's almost like it never happened.

Yet I continued… continue… to avoid talking about it.

I refused to let her come with me… so interested in my solitude, in “regaining my balance” and “working things out” in my mind, that the person with whom I needed to work them out was left behind.

And, alone with her… truly alone… I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to restrain myself again. Hell, Parihn's so sweet and kind, she'd probably have let me take her again.

But it wasn’t right… I was in a position of power over her… in her chain of command.

He chuckled bitterly. I took liberties.

Then another thought imposed itself, and nearly froze him.

Oh, God… what if Parihn felt she had no choice—that she was coerced?

That's why the Fleet has unofficial fraternization directives, Captain. And you broke them. Maybe Necheyev is right, and you shouldn't be commanding a starship, after all.

A new voice added, Of course, all this is moot, now that she’s found someone.

To Mantovanni's amazement, its tenor sounded angry… and jealous.

He attempted to quell it.

That’s for the best, he told himself firmly. This Ashok… Jerrell… is Orion. From what I remember, he's her long-ago benefactor—the man who helped free her. I shouldn’t really be surprised they’d make love upon their reunion; I’m sure there’s a lot of passion between them.

In an unlooked for, excruciating moment, though, he imagined her with this man…

…and precisely then, his quarters' chime sounded.

Reflexively, he growled, “Damn it… what?”

The door slid aside to reveal M'Raav Hatshepsut.

“I suppose you knew it was me,” she purred. “'Familiarity breeds…’” Her voice trailed off, as his glare practically singed her whiskers. “Sorry. May I come in?”

“I don’t know: Are you planning on an extensive caterwaul concerning my ‘feelings’?”

“I suppose that depends on how cooperative you are—how much of a catechumen you decide to be.”

He shook his head at her pun, even though in response to his own, and gestured her to a seat.

I ought to know better; I’m sure she’s heard every damned one ever invented.

Oh, well… time for catechism.

She began without preliminary.

“Did you feel betrayed when you learned she'd had sex with another man?” Hatshepsut asked.

After a moment's delay, Mantovanni answered.

“I don't think she betrayed me, no. What she does is her own business. I can hardly play the part of the wounded paramour with any legitimacy, M’Raav… and if our... status... was unclear in some way, that's in large measure my fault. I just haven’t known what the hell to do about this since that night.”

The Felisian, however, who understood the nuances of conversation as well as he did—and those of avoidance, even better—immediately recognized his subtle deflection of her inquiry.

I should have acted long before this. You let your friendships cloud your judgment, M’Raav.

Bad form.

Well, time to rectify.

“That's not what I asked you, Cicero. My question was, ‘Do you feel betrayed?’”

He hesitated, and then offered, “I'm not certain.”

She waited, thinking, I'm sorry, my friend, but I must push you now… for both your sakes.

When he glanced up and saw that she was giving him her patented variant on the counselor's gaze—the one that said, “I know you better than that”—he gave a slight exhalation that was, from him, very near to melodrama.

“Even though it's completely unjustified… I suppose I do.”

He told her more than a bit of what Parihn had said to him.

And when he couldn’t go on with it, she’d purred sympathetically, and offered, “I think I have the gist, Cicero. I’ve been speaking with her, too.”

His hands came together, fingers resting beneath his nose and thumbs just below his chin—a pensive, prayerful gesture.

“I never thought something like this could happen… that Parihn would do what she did. I thought she knew how I felt…

“…and I thought what I felt mattered to her."

Hatshepsut chirruped, and prudently chose to consider her next statement before replying. Counseling two people in a situation like this required restraint. Confidentiality could not be breached, even if it might seem the solution to a tremendous number of problems. The temptation was ubiquitous, but she'd learned that such revelations, if they came from the wrong source, often created a new set of difficulties all their own.

Counselors were all well and good. People had to communicate with each other.

Finally, she offered, "Difficult to say, when you don't know yourself… or are unwilling to acknowledge it."

“I don't know what else I did wrong… what made her lash out at me.

“I don't know how to help her.

“And…” his voice trailed off.

“…and there’s a part of you that is afraid,” Hatshepsut finished. “Afraid she could be right, that you can't truly feel for her what you did, as a lover or even a friend—in some part, because of what she's recently done… but also because of what she’s been. Afraid you might not measure up in that one way all men, at one point or another, fear.

“Afraid you, like Daros, just might not be strong enough.”

His silence was all the answer she required.

Hatshepsut's voice was sympathetic, but firm.

“I can't help you, Cicero… I could counsel you, and give you some ridiculous 'You're OK, she's OK' platitudes, but it's not anything you haven't considered already. I can tell you that Parihn said what she said to you because she's still in a great deal of pain… old pain and new… and she's afraid, too... old fears and new.

“You'll have to decide what you want to do about that—if anything.

“And so will she.”

Chapter Thirty-One Chapter Thirty-Three